After lengthy research, I have concluded that the most effective way to determine a person’s willpower is to measure the length of time it takes the subject to give up on the candy stick that comes with the Fun Dip and just pour the powder down his or her throat. I lasted not even close to long enough to count.
What an age we live in, when many of us have a machine in our own homes that is solely responsible for washing dishes, and NOTHING GETS GODDAMNED CLEAN.
Sharing a meal with a toddler will cause you to experience existential crisis. You will ask yourself such deep questions as “At what point is a peanut butter and jelly sandwich no longer a sandwich? Is this a deconstruction of our preconceived notions of ‘peanut butter and jelly sandwich’? Or is this my child experimenting with molecular gastronomy?”
Another question might be: “What does this child eating a banana remind me of?
Finally, you might ask, “How the hell are you supposed to eat with your eyes shut?”
Look, I’m not saying we named our child after a bourbon. I’m just saying I can’t really remember. Kind of a blur.
Our television service provides a channel titled Baby First TV, which provides many different programs aimed at helping to develop children’s brains and grasping concepts like color and hide-and-go-seek. One such show is this one:
The tall one is called YoYo, and the small one is Peanut. These two clowns (ha!) show to emotions or concepts that are the opposite of one another, like wet and dry, etc. This premise is only mentioned in passing.
On one particular episode (which is only about 5 minutes), the fat one was chopping onions, which made him cry. He began sobbing and yelling “I’m crying!” while the thin one began laughing hysterically and yelling “I’m laughing!” So far so good, right? Well no.
The problem is I’m only half-watching these shows with the child, so I don’t really know what’s going on half the time (parenting, amiright?). I only began paying attention when I noticed one was crying and the other was laughing at the other one for being a huge pussy.
Anyone tuning in like I did at this moment would see one clown crying and one laughing at him because he’s a sociopath and doesn’t experience empathy.
Is this what we are teaching our children?
My brain doesn’t allow me to like popular things for some reason, and I don’t know why. So whenever a big song from the radio gets stuck in my head that I find catchy, I find myself altering the lyrics to diminish its hold on me.
Hence, Sam Smith’s smash hit single, “Pee On Me.”
“I would love to spend my Sunday morning paying to perform manual labor we as a nation pay immigrants poorly to perform for us.” – white people going apple picking.