My Thoughts on Ferguson

In the wake of such a controversial and divisive event, so many people are sharing their opinions and debating one another on the rights and wrongs. In such an age, it is so easy to forget that when we respond to someone else’s comments, there is a person on the other end, not just bits of code. As such, we are all in danger of demeaning and debasing each other based on our belief systems, which is not helpful to a healthy debate or conversation.

To that end, I want to share my own strongly held belief and perspective that we would all do well to remember.

We are all a part of the human experience, and each one of us currently occupying space and consuming the precious molecules of oxygen we rely on has, at some point or another, had some of the most painful, disgusting, anus-searing diarrhea imaginable. None of us is exempt from this. Kim Kardashian, the President, the Pope, Brad Pitt, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, Kanye West, the Dalai Lama, Neil Degrasse Tyson and so on have all had the kind of bathroom visit where we just sit down, relax our rectums, and allow fluid to just pour from the wrong end of us.

So please, let’s stop treating each other like it’s never happened to us or literally everyone we’ve ever met or loved, and let’s stop treating people like it’s never happened to them, either.

The Fun Dip Test

After lengthy research, I have concluded that the most effective way to determine a person’s willpower is to measure the length of time it takes the subject to give up on the candy stick that comes with the Fun Dip and just pour the powder down his or her throat.  I lasted not even close to long enough to count.

Psychological experiments at their finest.

Deconstruction of Lunch

Sharing a meal with a toddler will cause you to experience existential crisis.  You will ask yourself such deep questions as “At what point is a peanut butter and jelly sandwich no longer a sandwich?  Is this a deconstruction of our preconceived notions of ‘peanut butter and jelly sandwich’?  Or is this my child experimenting with molecular gastronomy?”

a huddled mass of peanutbutterjellybread
a huddled mass of peanutbutterjellybread, $35

Another question might be: “What does this child eating a banana remind me of?

Finally, you might ask, “How the hell are you supposed to eat with your eyes shut?”

"I'll take my chances.  What could possibly go wrong?"
“I’ll take my chances. What could go wrong?”

I Analyze TV Shows Aimed At Babies Because I’m An Idiot

Our television service provides a channel titled Baby First TV, which provides many different programs aimed at helping to develop children’s brains and grasping concepts like color and hide-and-go-seek.  One such show is this one:

yoyo&peanut

The tall one is called YoYo, and the small one is Peanut.  These two clowns (ha!) show to emotions or concepts that are the opposite of one another, like wet and dry, etc.  This premise is only mentioned in passing.

On one particular episode (which is only about 5 minutes), the fat one was chopping onions, which made him cry.  He began sobbing and yelling “I’m crying!” while the thin one began laughing hysterically and yelling “I’m laughing!”  So far so good, right?  Well no.

The problem is I’m only half-watching these shows with the child, so I don’t really know what’s going on half the time (parenting, amiright?).  I only began paying attention when I noticed one was crying and the other was laughing at the other one for being a huge pussy.

Anyone tuning in like I did at this moment would see one clown crying and one laughing at him because he’s a sociopath and doesn’t experience empathy.

Sociopath
Sociopath

Is this what we are teaching our children?